Articles Tagged with relationships

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Venn Crawford
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Last week we discussed the damaging nature of emotional abuse, as well as the cycle that abuse follows. We emphasized the importance of understanding the cycle of abuse in recognizing and combating domestic violence, but how can we tell when someone is being abused, and what do we do?

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First off, the individual being abused will often undergo major changes in how they act – even if they were confident before, they will likely lose this confidence, their self-esteem dropping rapidly as the abuser undermines their self-worth. The individual will be afraid of their partner and may alter what they say or how they say it when their abuser is around, restricting their speech to avoid angering them. They may agree with whatever their abuser says or be hesitant to say anything negative about them. They may suddenly alter or cancel plans due to the abuser’s demands, and may not be able to see friends or family often. Their resources may be limited as well, such as their access to money or transportation.

So if we see these signs, what do we do? In helping a victim of abuse, we have to be careful with our approach – attracting the attention of the abuser could result in the victim’s situation worsening. The best approach is to find an opportunity to talk to the victim in private and express your concern. Tell them about what you’ve noticed and let them know that they have your support. It’s important for the victim to know that they have someone they can go to, as the abuser wants them to be entirely dependent upon them. However, the victim may not be receptive to your approach – abusers are highly manipulative, and victims may often take their side. Be understanding of the victim’s feelings and respect the fact that the decision to get help is up to them. Victims of domestic violence are given very little autonomy by their abuser, and what independence they do have is vital.

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Published on:

Venn Crawford
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Tuesday’s blog touched on the difficulty that some survivors of domestic violence have when they try to reconcile the good memories of their relationship with their abuse. In trying to reconcile the good with the bad, victims may start to rationalize the abusive behavior and second-guess themselves.

This tendency of the victim to downplay their abuse (especially while still in the relationship) is reinforced by the abuser’s talent for hiding their behavior. Abuse occurs in a cyclical pattern called the cycle of abuse, and abusers tend to perpetrate abuse only during half of this cycle. During the other half, they attempt to “atone” for their behavior, creating a sort of push-and-pull dynamic where they abuse their partner, then keep them from leaving by promising to change. This dynamic often serves to make the victim even more dependent on their abuser, and the inconstancy of the abuse makes it harder for both the victims and others to identify it.
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Published on:

Venn Crawford
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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and #maybehedoesnthityou has resurfaced on twitter as victims and activists use the hashtag to speak out about non-physical forms of domestic violence.

While physical violence is what most people think of when they hear “domestic violence,” emotional abuse often occurs alongside or before physical violence, and can be just as damaging. However, because this form of abuse doesn’t leave physical marks, it can often be harder to recognize for both the victim and those who know them.

Most abusers are seeking to control their victim – emotional abuse undermines the self-worth of the victim until they believe they are totally dependent upon their abuser. The abusive partner may use a variety of tactics, such as minimizing the victim, isolating them by cutting them off from their support network, humiliating them, or gaslighting them. Gaslighting is a particularly insidious tactic, as it seeks to make the victim question their memory. This is frequently done by denying any abuse ever occurred, and makes it that much harder for the victim to seek help.
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Published on:

Carolyn Woodruff
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Dear Carolyn,

I was recently at the US Post Office on Murrow Boulevard. I was in line. There was a couple in line in front of me, and the man was hitting and pushing the woman and then laughing about it. She was obviously hurt and humiliated, but seemed unable to do anything about it. The woman had on a “hijab,” a Muslim head wrap. I didn’t do anything at the time, but I left thinking that maybe I should have done something?

– Concerned

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Published on:

Carolyn Woodruff
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Dear Readers,

Today’s first Ask Carolyn addresses dreading Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who have a great situation, but realize there are those around you for which Mother’s Day may be most stressful. The second question addresses getting on with your life after a relationship break-up.
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Published on:

Kam Hardy
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This Mother’s Day give your Mom a gift that lets her know just how loved she is!

A string of pearls is nice. A boutique of flowers is beautiful. Give you mother a gift from the heart, something homemade, something no one else can give her! Give your mom a gift you made with your hands; she will treasure this forever!

Not creative? Need some ideas on what homemade gift would be perfect for your mom? Look no further, here are a few of the best homemade mother’s gifts to surely make your mom, wife or grandmother feel special on their day.

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Published on:

Kam Hardy
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I think it goes without saying that mothers have the most rewarding job there is. Ask almost any mother, and they will tell you, motherhood is exhausting, challenging, and messy and, the most beautiful journey of life.

There are so many different kinds of moms out there, the working mom, the stay-at-home mom, the single mom, the yoga mom, the blogging mom, and the mom that will do anything to provide for her children.

Mothers are all different and all the same. Mothers have the most dedicated work ethic. Mother’s dedicate their life to create, teach, love and support all of your dreams and all your journeys. They may never show you they struggle or are in pain. A mother’s compassion for the well-being of their children is astounding.

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Published on:

Carolyn Woodruff
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Divorce Recovery–this is a topic that is so dear to my heart, and one I have personally experienced. I am empathic to the unsettled souls that walk into my office. My advice–You will be okay after divorce, even if you feel like you won’t be. You could be happier than ever; I am.

 One important thing to understand is that divorce, like any loss, is a grieving process. You will go through all the stages–denial, anger, maybe depression, complacency and then back to normalcy. Unfortunately, you and your ex-spouse are usually at different stages; this often makes the process that much harder.

During this recovery process would be an excellent time to seek mental health counseling. Counseling can help ensure you don’t get stuck in any one stage too long. Talking with a counselor can help with things such as finding a new hobby or getting you out of the house. Hobbies are fun and are a great way to keep your mind off your current pain.  Plus you now have the time!

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Published on:

Carolyn Woodruff
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In the best interest of the child–these are the magic words in North Carolina and part of our Mission Statement at Woodruff Family Law Group.

It is always best if the parents can agree in either negotiation or mediation; however, that is not always the case. My suggestion is that the parents get on a schedule!

Getting on a schedule is especially important when your child or children are young. If two parents can simply not agree on a schedule and exchanges are becoming unbearable, I would suggest professional and legal help.

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